If you have watched the Sox this year, you probably have broken out the Windex and paper towels only to find out that the unwelcome blob on your screen is actually attached to the pitcher's chin.
With their mindbogglingly bad goatees, Bobby Jenks and Boone Logan could usher in a new wave of White Sox style. Here's what we have so far:
1. BOBBY JENKS.Style: Peroxide-blond overgrown goatee
Why he grew it: To cut down on physical comparisons to Bobby Hill, or to draw attention away from his size. As long as his chin is bleached to hell, he's not the fat guy -- he's the guy with the broom attached to his face.
What it says: "My wife and I came to a compromise -- she let me grow it ... as long as she could color it."
2. BOONE LOGAN.Style: Jet-black overgrown goatee.
Why he grew it: Because a 6-foot-5-inch, 94-m.p.h. throwing left-handed reliever with a herky-jerky motion just isn't scary enough.
What it says: "I may or may not be in a militia, but my name
is Boone, so draw your own conclusions."
Are they hideous? Sure. Could they start a team-unifying trend that kickstarts a South Side resurgence? I don't see why not.
But before we can even get to that point, the rest of the bullpen has to get in line. The problem is that nowadays, relievers don't really do much besides the goatee. I don't see how they can get worse than Logan's or Jenks' growths, so if they're willing to go in a different direction, I have some suggestions that would give them their own signature look:
3. NICK MASSET.Suggested style: Pencil-thin moustache.
Why he should grow it: The cookie duster isn't enough to stick on this team in a couple months. Bobby Jenks upgraded from that style, and now he's next. If he wants
this Nick Magic nickname to stick, he'll have to help himself a little, and the thin moustache is the way to go. I can't do it all by myself.
What it says: "We have never met before, have we?" or "Is this your card?"
4. SCOTT LINEBRINK.Suggested style: Friendly mutton chops.
Why he should grow it: Because mutton chops are awesome. Look at that. Would you give four years and $19 million to that man? I wouldn't. I'd make it four years and
$20 million. Rocky Biddle was the last Sox reliever to rock the 'chops, and then he was traded. Simply put, it's been too long.
What it says: "With my rapid fast ball and clever curving pitch, a finer display of pitching you'll rarely see in these 42 states. My temperate behavior makes me a good bet to last four years, unless influenza strikes."
5. MIKE MacDOUGAL.Suggested style: Wispy porn 'stache.
Why he should grow it: He's hit rock bottom as a reliever, as Ozzie Guillen is reluctant to use him even in the sixth inning. Nothing signifies "last resort" like this brand of moustache. Also, this style has built-in entrance music and he would gain at least some fans -- mostly the drunken, college-aged set. Not the ideal core, but he needs all the support he can get.
What it says: "I hope I'll be around tomorrow."
6. OCTAVIO DOTEL.Suggested style: Handlebar moustache with optional chin puff.
Why he should grow it: For one, Rollie Fingers wasn't anything special until he developed his signature lip adornment. I don't think it's a coincidence. Secondly,
Octavio sounds like a distinguished name ... one that deserves a distinguished style.
What it says: "My glove is made of soft corinthian leather."
7. MATT THORNTON.Suggested style: Patchy beard.
Why he should grow it: I think it's all he can grow. Basically every other pitcher on the Sox staff has worn a goatee or heavy stubble, but Thornton's always clean-shaven. There has to be a reason he steers clear of it, because there isn't much that can stop a reliever from looking like some animal died on his face.
What it says: "I'm a team player."
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Now that a sweep of Detroit is in the books, I've resurrected
the Week in a Box feature.
I ditched it early in the season last year, partially because
The AL Central Trail consumed a lot of my time, and partially because everybody sucked, and there was no use trying to figure out who was worse. If the first week is any indication, there should be plenty more variety to talk about.
Also, you may have noticed that
I re-did the front page of the site. It looks a little plainer, but it should save you a couple clicks to get to the meat of the site if everything's configured OK. Please let me know if you run into any issues.
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Minor league round-up:- Charlotte 6, Columbus 4
- Wes Whisler threw a quality start, allowing two runs on eight hits over six innings. He didn't walk or strike out anybody.
- Jason Bourgeois earned the golden sombrero, striking out four times on a 1-for-6 day.
- Michael Rouse went 2-for-4 with 3 RBI, Jeff Liefer had three hits.
- Dewon
Day pitched two scoreless; Ehren Wassermann had to bail out an
ineffective Oneli Perez (3 hits, 2 runs in 1/3 of an inning)
- Tennessee 5, Birmingham 2
- Justin Cassell struggled in his first start of the year -- four runs (three earned), and couldn't get out of the fifth inning.
- Micah Schnurstein had one of the Barons' three hits, and the lone RBI.
- Greenville 6, Kannapolis 1 (Game 1, 7 innings)
- Miguel Socolovich, acquired in the David Aardsma trade, gave up five runs on five hits and four walks over three innings.
- Logan Johnson went 1-for-2 with the sole extra-base hit (a double) and a walk.
- Kannapolis 6, Greenville 5 (Game 2, 7 innings)
- Maxwell
Levi earned the win with four scoreless innings of relief. He didn't
walk a batter, allowed only two hits while striking out six.
- Nathan Jones gave up seven hits and four runs over three innings.
- Johnson and Matt Inouye drove in two runs apiece; Joe Perischina went 2-for-2 with a double and scored twice.